72 Examples of Humor

Slice of Life

Dogs are the leaders of the planet.
If you see two life forms, one of them's making poop,
the other one's carrying it for him,
who would you assume is in charge?
~ Jerry, Seinfeld

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
~ Bob Hope

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
~ Steven Wright

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
~ Mitch Hedberg

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
~ Jay Leno

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
~ Mitch Hedberg

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.
~ Demetri Martin

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
~ Lewis Black

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'
~ Bill Burr

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
~ Dennis Miller

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.
~ Demetri Martin

Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.
~ George Lopez

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
~ Demetri Martin

Self-Deprecating

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
~ Rodney Dangerfield

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
~ Groucho Marx

Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.
~ Andrew Lawrence

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
~ Rita Rudner

Thomas Jefferson once said, "We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works." And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.
~ President Ronald Regan

Dry Humor

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
~ Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
~ President Abraham Lincoln

Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
~ President Abraham Lincoln

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
~ Winston Churchill

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
~ Winston Churchill

We can always count on the Americans to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all the other possibilities.
~ Winston Churchill

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
~ Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

Deadpan

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.
~ Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

Hermits have no peer pressure.
~ Steven Wright

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
~ Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

Ineptitude

Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!
~ Steve Martin

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
~ Groucho Marx

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
~ Zach Galifianakis

Verbal Irony

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.
~ Peter Sellers, Dr. Strangelove

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
~ Groucho Marx

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
~ Douglas Adams

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
~ Groucho Marx

Inside Jokes

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
~ George Carlin

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
~ Lewis Black

You're probably aware that Britain stopped evolving gastronomically around the year 1242.
~ John Oliver

Slapstick

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
~ Bill Hicks

Surprise

I come from a very big family... nine parents.
~ Jim Gaffigan

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.
~ Steve Martin

In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit.
~ Gary Delaney

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
~ Rita Rudner

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
~ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
~ Steven Wright

Absurdity

Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.
~ Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
~ Demetri Martin

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
~ Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
~ Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
~ Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
~ Mitch Hedberg

Black Comedy

It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.
~ Jim Gaffigan

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.
~ Bo Burnham

A guy said to me, “There’s only 10 snow geese left in the world.” I said, “One shits on my car, there’ll be 9.”
~ Buddy Hackett

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
~ Demetri Martin

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
~ Garrison Keillor

Non-sequitur

If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.
~ Steve Martin

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.
~ Bo Burnham

Understatement

The report of my death was an exaggeration.
~ Mark Twain

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
~ Mitch Hedberg

Rephrasing

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
~ Steven Wright

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
~ Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

Word Play

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
~ Steven Wright

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.
~ Bo Burnham

Cruel Wit

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
~ Mark Twain

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.
~ Winston Churchill

I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
~ Groucho Marx

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"
~ Buddy Hackett

Satire

Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
~ James Joyce

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
~ Stephen Colbert

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy -- if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
~ John Oliver

Economics is like the Dutch language -- I'm told it makes sense but I have my doubts.
~ John Oliver

Notes